Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
