Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
