Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
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There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
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My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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