I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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