All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
