Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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