Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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