I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
