Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
