Me too!
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I am one with the molecules
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
