I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
