you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
