I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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