Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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