Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
