he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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