I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
