I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
