this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I am naked and annoyed.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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