so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
where are my eyebrows?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
