So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
