I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I want a musical about memes.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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