I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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