I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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