Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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