I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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