How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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