So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
