Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
