sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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