dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He passed out mid-signature
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
