Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
