So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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