the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
