My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
