look no pants
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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