I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
