Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
