she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
