Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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