dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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