Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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