Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
