i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
