A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
