are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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