Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
What happened to fro yo and sex?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
he just fucked me for my cheese..
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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