tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just blew my weed a kiss
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
