So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
