I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
