Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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