Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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