His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
