Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
