he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
