and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
