Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
