The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
