The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
We need a shit load of segways right now
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The Olympian is in my bed
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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