Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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