I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
