Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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