i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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