If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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