My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
that's an acceptable place to lick
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
